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| Don't show it off if you can't pull it off |
In her new autobiography, Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far, the 20-year-old single mom reveals that, while drunk for the very first time(Does anybody, besides her parents and Nicole Coulter, actually believe that bullshit?), she lost her virginity to Levi Johnston during a camping trip.
Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, "talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas."(No recollection of what happened, eh? That probably means that after Ricky was done ripping your hymen, he passed you over to the others for some oral stimulation. Stupid girl.)
PHOTOS: When stars lost their virginities <_<
When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear (Does anybody, besides her entire family and Nicole Coulter, actually believe this bullshit?): they wouldn't have sex again until they were married.
But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after (What!?! But she just said in the previous paragraph that dwe chdiwqhfe cdwqhfewh cndwiqh! This deserves a more thorough investigation).
Step 1: Why did these yokels get intimate with each other after making a solemn/hungover promise to wait until marriage over Brystal's semen filled slop-hole?
- Brystal Palin is a drunken nymphomaniac who can't get enough penises in her body
- He was raping her
- He swooned her with his charming personality
- Bristol Palin is a chubby, gullable loser with no self-esteem who, unsurprisingly, just happens to be dumb enough to think that mindlessly grinding genitals together and taking dick to the mouth = tru <3 4 eva
Step 2: Examination
- Highly plausible
- Also plausible
- LOL monotone hillbilly from the sticks
- Winner
When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps(Funny that you would wait so long to tell everybody about this); it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.(How many bottled waters did she drink? I hope she recycled.)
VIDEO: Watch Bristol's final performance on DWTS! <_<
Palin's parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive.(Aw) They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education.(Baw) Johnston's reaction was less comforting. "Better be a f***ing boy," he told her.(<_<)
The memoir, co-written with Nancy French, describes Johnston (the father of Palin's 2-year-old son, Tripp) as a "gnat" (code for small penis) who is "constantly spreading false accusations against our family." Palin also calls him a self-involved slacker "who cheated on me about as frequently as he sharpened his hockey skates."(What? I don't know what that means. Does he sharpen his hockey skates a lot? Is that something self-involved slackers do? I don't know. This metaphor sucks. Is this supposed to make people feel bad for her? What it actually does is make me think of her as more of an asshole. I didn't take her for a doormat, but I was clearly wrong. What a pussy she is. Bleh.)
VIDEO: Levi and Bristol talk about their relationship <_<
And yet, Palin writes that when her mother, Sarah, was introduced as Senator John McCain's vice presidential pick in August 2008, being on display with Johnston "somehow legitimized us as a couple."(Again- What? I really have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Nancy French is an excellent con artist.)
PHOTOS: Bristol and Levi in happier times <_<
After Tripp's birth in December, Palin discovered via text message that Johnston had been cheating on her. Once Johnston admitted to the affair, they decided to break up.(Ha) Eighteen months later, the couple reunited and shocked their families with an announcement: they were engaged.(Ha) Shortly after, Johnston informed Plain that he had gotten another woman pregnant,(Good Gawd there's more of them? The world already has enough undesirables aka Johnstons. I think it's time for some forced castrations.) which ended their relationship for good.(Ha) "I'd just made a complete fool of myself and given my family the middle finger," Palin writes. (The Final Countdown)
PHOTOS: Revisit Bristol Palin's DWTS days :|
Johnston, for his part, will share his side of the story with his own book, Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs, which arrives in bookstores this fall. (Cock in the Cunt: My life in the syphilis ward would sell more copies.)
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| lol their real parents don't love them lol amiriteguys? |
So they've decided that Bachmann's only accomplishment was that she claims to have raised 23 foster kids and talks about it all the time so it's obviously fair game for reporters to dig into and talk about. Isn't that just like how Sarah talked about being a mom and raising five kids as being preparation for politics? And aren't they same people who bust a nut every time somebody who isn't "on her side" so much as mentions her children? No? Okay. I must be the <.< crazy/obsessed >.> one.
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