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Note of caution- The "plot" of this movie is extremely boring confusing, so this post will probably make less sense than the others. |
Prologue- Introducing the Venoms
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| So we start with an sick, decrepit, old man being boiled alive in a cauldron. Apparently this old man is the last master of the Poison Clan. His dying wish is for his last pupil to venture off to find his 5 other pupils and see what they're up to. He has a sneaking suspicion that the 5 are using there skills for evil. The master also wants his pupil to hunt down the OTHER master who retired :\ This other master has a hidden treasure and the dying master wants to see it donated to charity. Well this shouldn't be too hard, right? You'd be wrong in that assessment. The requirements for joining the poison clan are that you have to wear a mask the whole time, you aren't allowed to talk to classmates, and you have to change your name when you graduate. Guess this is going to be harder than you thought, Kid. Before setting off on his epic quest, the master gives him this last bit of information- #3 never met #1 or #2, #4 and #5 came after #3, #4 is older than #2 and #3, and finally #4 and #5 knew each other, but they never met the other 3. |
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| #1- The Centipede |
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| Thousand-Hand Plate Smashing technique |
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| #2- The Snake |
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| Awkwardly shimmying on your back = "Amazing speed and agility" |
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| #3- The Scorpion |
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| Centipede broke all the plates, so Scorpion had to use old ash trays. |
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| #4- The Lizard |
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| Need someone to put out those hard-to-reach candles? Call the lizard. |
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| #5- The Toad |
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| I guess Toads are really durable. I never knew that. Thanks Hong Kong B movies. ^_^ |
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#6- The Last Student: He was trained in all 5 styles, so he's not great in any of them. The master tells him that he's too weak to take on any of the 5 by himself, and that he should try to join forces with one of them to take out the others if necessary. He also doesn't get a mask. Or a Gif. Fuck him. |
Act I- Welcome to Murderville
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| Fast forward an untold amount of time and we find that the last pupil is living as a street urchin in some town. He seems to be eying that policeman. Hmmmm, maybe he suspects something.... |
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| He bumps into another policeman. Hmmmm, again. |
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| Something tells me that these guys are hiding venomous secrets. ¬_¬ I suck. |
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| What's this? A stranger steps out of a restaurant and throws a note at the second policeman. Hmmmm, the third |
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| Back at the station, the second policeman, we'll call him Leopold, opens the paper to reveal a detailed sketch of a toad. Alarmed by this discovery, Leopold eats the paper. <_< I hope the ancient Chinese had a cure for plumbism. |
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| Leopold's bizarre behavior has caught the attention of the first policeman. We'll call him Policeman. |
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| Leopold excuses himself and heads back to the restaurant. They talk about the treasure and the other members of the clan. What's strange about this is that Toad never says which poison Leopold is. It's pretty obvious which one he is since Toad only knew #4, but they don't specifically say that Leopold is Lizard until the last 40 minutes of the movie, and they treat the big reveal like it's some sort of shock which makes it even stranger. |
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| Who the fuck is this guy? Whoever he is, he's clearly loaded. He's got servants and sparkly silver robes. I'm jealous. |
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| So a centipede comes crashing though his window and he dismisses his slaves. He walks over to the window and |
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| Bah! This dude jumps into his house and they talk about finding the treasure. In case you couldn't figure it out the guy in red is the Centipede. He says that he knows where the retired master is hiding. |
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| Back at the police station we follow Policeman as we wanders aimlessly. He stumbles upon an old clerk filing away parking tickets. Cool. Then we follow the old man as he slowly makes his way back home. |
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| What the fuck is going on here!?! What are these bound women doing in that old guys house? He must be some kind of sick bondage freak... |
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| Or maybe not. Looks like Centipede and SilverRobes have have broken into his shack. How many people live in his hut? Anyway the old man opens his door and tries to fight off Centipede and Snake. How do I know that SilverRobes is the Snake? |
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| ¬_¬ Dumbass is wearing snake gauntlets. You know if you want people to know that you're the Snake, then maybe it's not such a good idea to walk around with snake jewelry. |
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| So they kick the shit out of the old man and murder everybody in the house. He refuses to give up the map, so they trash the place and beat him up some more. |
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| Just as the Centipede is peaking out for some reason a degenerate gambler walks by and sees his face. |
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| Horrified by what he has just witnessed the Gambler makes a quick exit. |
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| The master's last dying act is to grab the hollow candle that has the treasure map hidden inside of it. |
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| The last man on the scene is Scorpion. He silently sneaks into the shack of the dead |
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| And finds the map in three seconds. This is where Scorpion should have skipped town, but for some reason he stays just so he can fuck with everybody. |
Act II- Whodunit?
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| We return with the pupil talking to a shell shocked gambler. The gambler tells him that he saw the murderer. |
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| Meet the judge. He orders the police force to find the people responsible for the murders or they'll all be whipped. Whipping the police? Oh, ancient China.... |
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| Leopold goes and finds Toad. They talk about the murders and get all pissed off. Looks like they know that the old man had the treasure map. They start talking about what they're next plan of action is when Leopold gets up. He hears something... |
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| Hello, Mr.Eavesdropper. He tells Leopold about the gambler. |
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| Leopold finds the gambler and immediately starts water boarding him. As if we needed more proof of water boardings effectiveness, the gambler cracks in under a second and tells Leopold that he saw "a man with a beard." |
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| Apparently the Centipede is the only man in town with a bears because Leopold knows exactly who he's talking about. He goes to Snakes house (his only known associate) and bullshits with him while the other police try to capture Centipede. |
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| The police set up an elaborate trap to capture the Centipede. |
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| It doesn't go as planned. |
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| Good thing for them Toad is around to pick up their slack. Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Spinning!?! Dude, you don't spin in a fight. Everyone knows that. Now they're going to capture you. |
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| Awww, I told you. |
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| The pupil runs all the way to Snake's place to tell Leopold the good news. |
Act III- Law & Order: Ancient China
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| So Centipede is dragged before the court and asked if he killed the old man and his family. Centipede denies that he had anything to do with it. The judge is dissatisfied with his answer so he orders the Centipede to be tortured. Holy shit. Somebody call Eric Holder. |
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| Even after some ankle clamp torture the Centipede is defiant. |
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| Just as the judge is about to order a more serious torture, he notices something on his desk. How did that get there without him immediately noticing it? The judge orders a recess and storms off. |
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| Leopold is confused. |
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| Policeman is awkward. |
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| Centipede is laughing maniacally. |
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| Scorpion follows Centipede's example and bursts through Snake's window to offer some of his wisdom. |
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| Just as the Scorpion makes his exit the Judge arrives. |
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| They cut the bullshit short and get right to the bribes. |
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| The judge listens to the snake's fiendish plan. |
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| The first part of the plan- Send Leopold away on a meaningless task. |
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| The second part of the plan is to get the gambler to change his description to match the Toad. |
Act IV- It's Not Easy Being Green
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| So the police go and arrest Toad. Toad first resists, but calms down after Leopold assures him that everything will be fine because the Chinese court system is fair and just. LOL |
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| The gangs all here! |
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| Toad threatens the gambler with violence if he doesn't tell the truth. |
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| His threats don't work. |
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| Toad flies into a rage and he viciously assaulting the court officers. The Policeman is able to calm him down by saying some boring dialogue that I don't remember. |
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| Once Toad walks away-Snake and Judge get back to plotting his murder. |
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| Snake informs Judge that the toad will become vulnerable once the puncture a secret pressure point on his body. Once that point is pressed then Toad's toad strength will vanish. To make sure they find this pressure point, Snake suggests that they build an iron maiden. |
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| Where's that light coming from? |
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| Oh, shit. I think they slipped something in your drink, Toad. |
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| They carry his unconscious body over to the torture device. This is gonna be bad.... |
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| Oh! He was just faking. Now it's time for |
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| Fighting! (and the snake gauntlets give away his identity again) |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| What? Scorpion daggers! Toad's pressure point were in his ears the whole time. That's a pretty clever spot to hide them. The thing I don't understand though, is how did the Scorpion get daggers in both of his ears without anybody seeing him? Can he bend space and time around his body? Maybe.... |
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| The crippling blow. After this snake strike they put him in the iron maiden. |
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| Don't laugh at the special effects. I'd take this over the terrible CGI crap we have today. |
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| After that they decide to put him in "the iron coat" just for fun. |
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| Poor guy. |
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| That burn doesn't look so bad >_> |
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| Then they just sign the confession for him. |
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| Centipede lets out one last maniacal laugh as he's being released |
Act V- Cleaning Up Loose Ends
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| Even though they've completely destroyed this guy, they still decide to kill him. I bet this is the first time you've ever seen someone suffocated with paper. |
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| The gambler wisely decides to skip town. |
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| Too bad he's so slow. |
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| Meet the mini-sickle. Death on a small scale. |
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| He gets his throat slashed on the inside. |
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| Snake and Centipede then find the guy who murdered Toad walking down the street. Pretty convenient timing. |
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| Brain spike! |
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| Leopold returns after completing his and his shocked when the judge tells him to go fuck himself. |
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| Befuddled, he asks the Policeman what happened with the murder case. When he's told that the Centipede was set free and that the Toad is dead, he flies into a violent rage and declares that he administer some street justice. |
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| Right after he's done getting shit faced. |
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| This blatant act of public alcoholism fills one of the bribed officials with regret. He walks over to Leopold and spill the beans. |
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| The pupil then decides to finally come clean with his true identity. :\ Okay. |
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| Here we have one last scene between Snake and Scorpion. Snake's conscious is starting to bother him- "I wanted to learn a special kung fu. Be a real expert, but in actual fact I've just become a killer. Killing. That's all I know. Death. Everyday. Another." Then he asks Scorpion when the bloodshed will end. |
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| *EVIL Laugh* "Once an evil deed is done it never ends. It goes on and it will go on forever." <_< Why would you trust this guy? |
Act- VI- Final Fight
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| This is it. The grand finale. These hardened heroes are on a somber walk to Snake's home where they know they might meet their own painful deaths. |
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Oh, yeah. Look who it is- The Scorpion Policeman. He wants to go with these two to kick some ass and get revenge for The Toad. They accept his offer and continue on their journey. |
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| :o I want to be just like you, Snake. So our heroes just walk right into Snake's palatial estate and challenge him to a duel to the death. You know what that means, don't you? |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Still fighting? |
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| Fighting! |
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Standing! Standing? What the fuck, Scorpion Policeman, I thought you said you came to help? |
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| Fighting! |
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| Poison Clan fighting! |
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Why are you still standing around, Scorpion Policeman? |
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| So Snake escapes the arm grab of death once, but is immediately caught again. In a panic he calls out at Policeman to help him. What? Can it be? Is Policeman really the Scorpion? |
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| It's true! Finally he reveals himself! Do those scorpion shaped throwing daggers look familiar? Looks like our heroes are in real trouble now. |
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| Dude! You hit Snake! He's on your team! Maybe it was just an accident? |
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| Be sure to aim this time, you asshole! |
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| Dude! What the hell? He could have helped you kill the Lizard and boring guy. Aw, fuck it... |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Hey look, Snake is still alive. |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting in front of the stirring Snake! Maybe you should finish him off, Scorpion. I think he might be a little miffed at you over that whole "Watch me throw 4 daggers at you" thing. |
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| He's getting up! Really, Scropy, now might be a good time to turn your attention back on this guy. He doesn't look very happy about his current situation. |
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| Ouch. I tried to warn you, Dummy. Snake sneaks up on Scorpion and uses the dreaded intestine rip technique. |
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| Snake gets a steel-toed boot kick to the skull for his trouble. He dies full of regrets and misery. |
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| Scorpion flails around a bit while the heroes mock him from the walls before he collapses on the ground. |
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| He has a vision of his dear mother before his pagan Chinese soul is damned to hell for all eternity. Next it's Centipede's turn to die. Nothing too fancy for him. They just kick him in the head really hard. |
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| Fantastic death scene. |
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| So the survivors pick through Scorpions corpse and find the treasure map in his pocket. This, of course, begs the question as to why Scorpion even showed up at this fight in the first place. If he had the map this whole time why didn't he just leave town, find the treasure, and start a new life somewhere else? These super geniuses didn't even know who he was until he started throwing scorpion daggers at them. Who cares... |
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| No Shaw brothers movie would be complete without the classic "Flee the scene of the crime" ending. Snakes servants are in for one hell of a surprise when they get back from their lunch break. |
