Prologue-
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| Our film opens up with three bandits raiding the local tiger boxing master's home/palace. The only motivation that they give for their action is "That bastard thinks he's an immortal!" and "This ought to take him down a peg or two!" |
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| It seems that their timing was off as the only people home are the dainty house wife and effeminate son. |
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| They guy on the left isn't really jazzed with the idea of killing a woman and her son, so the group comes to a compromise. To send a message to the Big Boss they... |
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| cut off his wife's legs (she immediately dies from her wounds. shit happens) |
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| and cut off his son's hands. |
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| Aw, shit. Look who decided to show up to the party. Sorry, Dad, but it looks like you were a few seconds too late. Maybe you should have put a little kick in your step when you heard all the screaming, eh? Anyway- fuck that -it's time for revenge. Kill these bitches. |
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| The calm before the brutal tiger-style murder storm |
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"Forest Tiger!" = throat grab&twist
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"Wind Tiger!" = slap
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"Windmill Tiger!" = backhand bitch slap
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| Dad decides to take this time to comfort his suddenly not-so-effeminate son (who is obviously going into shock) by telling that he will teach him king fu, and buy him a kick ass pair of iron hands when he grows up. I concede that that's some pretty awesome news that every kid dreams about hearing one day, but I can't help but think that the boy is currently more concerned with his dead mother and the two bloody stumps at the end his arms. Anyway... |
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| Dad comes through. |
Act I- Rude Assholes Get What They Deserve
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| The first hero makes his entrance. Looks like he ekes out a meager existence as some kind of traveling knickknack salesman. Just another face in the crowd. Nothing special about him. |
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| The Big Boss and his crew hit the joint. We are informed (via waiter) that in the years since we last saw him, the Boss has grown bitter and cold hearted. Can you blame the guy? If anybody has the right to be pissed at the world it's him. |
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| Please take note of the two wankers on the far left. I hold those two guys responsible for the series of unfortunate events that are about to unfold in this restaurant/fight club. Really, this whole mess could have been avoided if they respected the handicapped. Just what did they do, you ask? |
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| These pricks decided to be smart asses and mock Iron Hands. Did their mothers not teach they manners? They deserve a good ol' fashioned beating. |
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| Ouch |
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| RightHandMan gets in on the action. I actually think that the "villains" should be commended for going so easy on these guys. |
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| Enter our second hero- The Blacksmith. He walks in just as the first two jackasses make their escape. So imagine you just walked into a restaurant and the first thing you see is two beaten men running away- what would you do? If you said "Ask the other patrons what happened so I could come to a reasonable conclusion" then you're a normal human being. What does the blacksmith do? |
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| He immediately launches into a obscenity filled tirade. |
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| Then he buys some booze and leaves. He also takes his shirt off for some reason. |
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| After seeing how successful the belligerent blacksmith was, the street vendor starts to get his own snark on. |
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| Bad move, Hombre! The "villains" are done tolerating everybody's horseshit. Don't they have they right to go out for a night and not get insulted be every stranger in the fucking restaurant? |
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| Doesn't he know the shark-fin block technique? Must be an only child. |
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| Back at his shop, Blacksmith is busy not working. He'd rather shoot the shit with some homeless guys. |
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| RightHandMan arrives on the scene to offer Blacksmith a drink at the Big Boss's villa. He tells Blacksmith that the Boss was impressed with his knowledge of curse words. Blacksmith agrees to go because he's a dumbass. |
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| Surprise! It was a trap. They pour a special poison down this throat that renders him mute. |
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| He doesn't seem to be in pain, so I'm going to assume that this face means that the poison tastes bad. |
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| Blacksmith uses the last precious moments of speech he has left to tell Big Boss off. When he finally loses his voice, he dips his finger in the poison and scribbles more curse words. |
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| Translation: "Your mother!" |
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| Having put up with more than enough of this bullshit the BigBoss takes Blacksmith's hearing as well, because this asshole just can't take a clue. |
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| It seems that the message has finally sunk in as the tough guy runs away like a frightened school girl. |
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| He knocks over the Blind Man and they become best friends forever. |
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| Last and certainly least is this lazy motherfucker. We meet this "hero" just as he's being fired by his elderly boss for being a lazy douche weasel. The guy is late to work everyday and he's probably stealing from the register, too. I hope something bad happens to this prick. |
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| *bump* |
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| Talk about getting taken down a peg. One moment you're telling off your boss, and the next you're getting your legs cut off in a street fight. Serves the bastard right. |
Act II- No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
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| Finally we meet the only heroic hero. I'll call him The Kid With The Golden Heart. He sacrifices everything for a bunch of strangers that he doesn't even know. Which is a damn shame because if he had known them, I have a feeling that he wouldn't be helping these assholes. After he gets crippled the others treat him like shit BTW. |
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| How did he get here? |
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| This is life as they now know it. Ridiculed and mocked by the cold Chinese culture that they were once a part of. Making fun of those less fortunate than you isn't so funny now, eh? How do you think Iron Hands feels? This is why I love the villains in the movie so much. Death is a quick escape. By crippling these fools they truly learn a valuable life lesson. |
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| Anyway, TKWTGH stops by and breaks up the mob. Upon learning the altered version of the trio's sad tale he volunteers to avenge them. Gee, I wonder how that's going to turn out... |
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| Things don't go his way. |
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| Just a quick stop in the skull vice and... |
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| The fellowship is now complete. |
Act III- Training!
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| Back at the shop, our heroes start rifling through TKWTGH's stuff looking for some dinero. While unable to locate any coin, The Amputee locates a map to TKWTGH's barrio. Poor, crippled, and completely bored our "heroes" decide to make the long journey to drop "The Idiot" off at his old master's dojo. I guess they just couldn't go on with the living embodiment of their own selfishness hanging around their self-pity shack. Out of sight, out of mind. After an amazing adventure (kids threw rocks at them at an ancient Chinese rest stop) they finally reach the martial arts school, and the Master decides to train them out of gratitude for bringing back TKWTGH. What follows is the greatest training montage in movie history. Suck it, Rocky. |
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| Wise Master has The Blind Man train his sense of hearing using the tried and true methods of... |
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| Throwing sticks at leaves |
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| and doing impressive acrobatic stuff with rings. |
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| The first step in the road of recovery for The Amputee is his own pair of iron limbs. Good thing they know a blacksmith. |
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| The Master has devised a brilliant training regimen for The Amputee. His only training involves trying to kick TKWTGH. This is the actual advice the Master gives RE: kicking the shit out of his "friend"- "Kick hard and swiftly. Use your waist." Keep this training in mind when you watch The Amputee use his new legs against the enemy. It's fucking disgusting the way they treat him. |
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| Deaf/Mute trains his eyes using the flaming cartwheel of death |
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| and the vastly less impressive mirror/punching bag combination. |
Act IV- 3 Years Later
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| Things are good. As far as you can tell from the movie life as been peaceful and harmonious for the "bad" guys. We do learn that they are getting ready for Dad's birthday party. All his old friends are coming to visit and he looks really exited about it. PartyPartyParty |
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| RightHandMan is sent to the restaurant of doom to pick up the party supplies. Just as they are getting ready to leave someone awkwardly stumbles in. |
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| It's the motherfuckin' Blind Man. I smell a fight scene. |
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| Yep. Blind Man proceeds to open up a vicious can of whoop ass on these unsuspecting house servants. Did he know or care that he was beating up the hired help? I don't think so. Ashamed about the ass kicking he just took, RightHandMan decides to gather some more of his crew to take care of this mess. |
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| A man with a very light step |
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| and a guy who shoots marbles. ¬_¬ Marbles? |
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| They set up an ambush for the Blind Man at the very same restaurant they were just in. Their master plan? Be very, very quiet. |
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| The foolproof plan is foiled when Deaf/Mute makes his presence known to all. The gruesome two-some beat the shit out of everyone and do untold amount of damage to the restaurant's interior. Who does the owner send the bill to? |
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| The Blind Man decides to do some undercover black ops. He poses as a blind beggar out side the Big Boss's massive estate. One of Boss's party guests, Iron Pecs, takes pity on him and throws him some coin. |
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| Why did I cap this? |
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| Time for more fighting. Twinkle toes attacks Deaf/Mute in the streets while the others go back to the restaurant to fight with the Blind Man. Again. |
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| He takes a set of blacksmith tongs in the belly for his troubles. |
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| Looks like getting his eyes poked out was the best thing to ever happen to this guy. Before he was just some traveling douche bag selling toys for a living. Now he's kicking the shit out of 20 guys single-handedly. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. |
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| Just when things start looking bleak- in walks the man with the iron pecs. He tells RightHandMan and MarbleShooter to go home. He's going to take these crippled bitches on himself. |
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| Iron Pecs decides to give each of the cripples three free shot with their feet and fists to even the fight. Their most powerful blows just bounce of his mighty muscle. |
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| Bewilderment begins to set in. What will they do? |
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| Awww, look who decided to show up. Nice of him to show up now that all the real fighting is over with. So the listless prick lines up and takes his shot. You know what's coming up next, don't you? |
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| Death |
Act V- Shit Just Got Real
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| With the grizzly death of one of the party guests, RHM finally tells Big Boss about the Crippled Avengers. He goes down to the restaurant of doom and... |
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| he quickly... |
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| destroys the pretenders. |
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| The crippled heroes make a tactical retreat to Deaf/Mute's abandoned blacksmith shop. They plan to attack the villains after the party so they'll be tired, or something. I stopped paying attention to the plot around this point. Blind Man and Deaf/Mute burst through the front door, but are stopped by a wall of light and sound. The villains have set a trap that makes sense! They set up a row of drums and mirrors to fuck with the heroes remaining senses. And what a shock- The Amputee is nowhere to be found. Lazy motherfucker couldn't even make the final showdown. I really hate that guy. |
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| The trap fails because TKWTGH jumps around like a little monkey and breaks all the shit. Blind Man impales MarbleShooter with a blunt pole. Ouch. |
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| Deaf/Mute strangles RHM to death with a chain. Now that all of the henchmen have been brutalized it's time to take on Big Boss & Son. |
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| ¬_¬ But first TKWTGH gets distracted by the mirror frames because they resemble the rings the Blind Man used. I'm sure that they'll come in handy later. |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting! |
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| Fighting? |
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| Iron Hands, getting tired of all this jumping shit, shoots TKWTGH with darts hidden in his hands. Not satisfied with the results, Iron Hands shows off his prosthesis's second ability. |
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| Awwww. While he succeeds in mortally wounding the only decent character in the movie, his hands end up getting snagged on some of TKWTGH's entrails. |
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| The Blind man uses this opportune moment to sneak up on Iron Hands, and breaks his neck with a ring. |
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| This lazy douche finally decides to make his grand entrance. Gee, asshole, they really could have used your help a couple of minutes ago. Guess you had more important shit to do, like not helping your friends murder the guys who crippled you. Get a fucking alarm clock. |
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| With a 3-1 advantage the heroes proceed to kill an elderly man after trespassing on his property and systematically murdering everyone he cares about. Good job, guys! |
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| Sorry about your sternum. |
Epilogue- Ungrateful Bastards
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| Having completed their righteous quest for vengeance, our brave heroes quickly flee the scene. They leave the body of their fallen comrade to decompose under the hot Chinese summer sun. |
Heartwarming
