Criminal Profile:
Linda Kellen Biegel the Huttaka: ChubbyDiva
Notorious Alaskan gangster, and owner of ChubbyDiva's Blubber Oasis, Linda Biegel poses a great threat to the future stability of Alaska. As I'm sure you're all aware, Linda has been causing a lot of destruction in the region lately, and as a result the Chief wants us take the Hutt in, ALIVE. Not much is known about this horrid colossus, as it rarely (if ever) leaves it's cavern, but what little we do know should play an instrumental part in its inevitable capture. Here's What We Know So Far-
- It was born a hermaphrodite
- Is capable of reproduction *shudder*
- Has spawned numerous times
- Eats its Mates head at the conclusion of its mating process
- Rules its Brood with an iron fist
- Played a role in the assassination of U.S. President James Garfield
- Played a role in the assassination of outlaw Jesse James
- It is a high ranking member of the Khmer Rouge
- Takes great pleasure in fighting, raping, and pillaging
- Has a taste for Yak testicles
- Thought Schindler's List was, quote, "Fucking Hilarious!"
- Hates subliminal advertising
- Hates regular advertising
- Hates what it perceives as advertising
- Feasts on fear, Dines on Death
- Its bulbous ass once morphed with a couch
- Sold Jesus of Nazareth out for 15 pieces of silver
- Is "down" with Mitt Romney
- Writes an editorial column for the NYT
- Started the Genocide in Rwanda
- It knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsieroll Pop
- It will not share the above information, much to my annoyance
- Destroyed Phoenician culture
- Is a known accomplice of the Baleen Whale Syndicate
- Can see Applebee's Neighborhood Grill and Bar from its house
- It needs to call Jenny
- It will NEVER call Jenny
- Called General George S. Patton, Jr a "pussy"
- I'm all out of fat jokes
- Took a shot at the Pope
- Urinated on Grant's Tomb
- Mentored by Ho Chi Min
- Killed this man
- Plays World of Warcraft *haha*
- Named Keith Olbermann's Best Person in the World, Twice
- Was glad to hear that Davy Crockett died in the Alamo
- Loves the Visigoths
- Hates the Saxons
- Thinks Hollis French is "cute"
- It believes the truth is out there
- Unable to see "there" because of ever expanding gut *still got one!*
